She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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