Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I think my moral compass just broke
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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