Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
