I showed him my bush... on skype.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
