Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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