Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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