How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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