Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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