just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
