he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
