Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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