He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
