if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
