i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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