My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
