new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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