three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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