Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
