Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
