You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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