Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
