I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
