OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Too much gin, very little bucket
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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