I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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