I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
