I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
