Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
