Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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