A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
