apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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