my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
