I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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