I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize