I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My liver just had a heart attack.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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