Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
