There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
