Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
