could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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