we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
