is wine microwaveable?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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