Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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