u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
