I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
