I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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