Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
