Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
