I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
