in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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