I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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