life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
