absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i was born a porn star she said
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
