Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
