I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
