All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
