I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
