Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
