I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
