Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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